Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Daily Funny - 28th May 2010

I didn't hear you....

I had been having problems with an SGI machine not booting. It was reporting a SCSI device error on the boot disk. I placed a call with Technical Support at SGI, and before long an engineer rang back. The call went:

me: I can't boot the system - it reports (error).

Engineer: OK. Remove the disk. Can you tell me the  manufacturer and model type.

me: Hang on ..... yep, it's (make) and (model).

Engineer: Right. Bang the disk edge onto a desk.

me: Sorry?

Engineer: Bang the disk edge onto a desk.

me: OK (bangs disk)

Engineer: I didn't hear you bang the disk. Do it again, but harder.

me: Errr, OK (bangs harder).

Engineer: Harder!

me: (bangs the disk so hard that it puts a dent in the desktop - I'm not kidding you either)

Engineer: OK, that's better. Now put the disk back in and try.

Did this, and the machine actually booted OK. The disk was one of a faulty batch which suffered from sticking drive heads. A new drive was despatched, but in the time before it arrived on site, it was not unusual to see me smashing this disk on the nearest desk just to get the machine to boot!

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From June 1998

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Daily Funny - 20th May 2010


I work in Tech Support for a Major ISP. One day I recieved a call and a very good point from a customer!

Customer: *panicking* This is my first night at work alone and my boss told me to shut down the computer! They told me to shut it down using the shut down menu and to absolutely NOT under any circumstances push the power button because I'd lose information!

Me: *calmly* Ok so you need me to show you how to shut it down?

Customer: *now crying* YES!

Me: Ok, it's problem...use your mouse and click on the Start button in the bottem left hand corner....


Me: Ohhhhhhh ma'am that is how you shut it down...

*we continued the shutdown and she was calm by the end and she said...."why in Gods name did they do something so stupid as to put the 'end in the beginning'" I couldn't argue...*

Thanks to: Erin


From June 1998

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Daily Funny - 19th May 2010

Pane-ful Marriage

Retail | Phoenix, AZ, USA

(A customer who has just made a purchase comes back into our store asking for help; she’s locked her keys in her car. I go out to try and help.)

Me: “Ma’am, your window is open.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your window. It’s open.”

(The customer reaches in and gets her keys, opens the door, rolls up the window, locks the car, throws the keys back inside, and closes the door.)

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I know! I know! It’s just that I already called my husband to bring the second set! He’d have given me h*** if he saw the window was open!”



Monday, May 17, 2010

The Daily Funny - 18th May 2010 (2)

The Temporary Offices (by Maxim)
I had left plenty of time to make the interview, and I was happy about that. The company's offices were on a side street in a run-down former-industrial park. Eventually, I found the unmarked door and buzzed my way in. After climbing some metal stairs I met the receptionist who asked me to take a seat. Turning around, the seat turned out to be a busted sofa with a grubby paint-spotted dust sheet over it, which I tried to interpret as a homely small-company thing.

As I sat there I surveyed piles of binders on top of cardboard document boxes on top of filing cabinets, acting as a wall to delineate the reception area. Soon enough I was brought to the meeting room, which allowed me to survey trailing chained multi-way AC outlets across the bare concrete floor and network cables dangling from the exposed AC ducts, the unfinished brick walls and yet more piles of documents acting as walls.

The interview went mostly okay and I aced the programming test. But then, near the usual "any questions" question, things took a turn for the worst.

"So, I can see these offices are temporary," I asked, "when are you expecting to move?"

He gave a confused look. "What do you mean, "temporary?"

"Well, with the trailing wires and piles of binders—"

"We've been here two years," he interrupted, "we designed the decor this way especially and I think it's quite stylish."

Somehow the interview wrapped up very quickly and I never heard back.



The Daily Funny - 18th May 2010

I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here

Supermarket | Texas, USA

(I work in a library, but I had forgotten to take my name tag off after work when I went shopping.)

Customer: “What aisle is baking powder?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, I think it’s that way somewhere. I’m not really sure.”

Customer: “Well you’d better find out for me. Isn’t that your job?”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Yes you do! You have a name tag on!”

Me: “Oh! No, I’m sorry, I work at the library, I just forgot to take this off.”

Customer: *very angry* “I don’t want excuses! Just tell me where the d*** baking powder is!”

Me: “I don’t know where it is. Go ask someone who works here.”

Customer: “You’re going to tell me or else!”

Store Manager: “Can I help you folks?”

Customer: “Yes! Your employee here is being very rude!”

Store Manager: “Sir, he doesn’t work here. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Oh!” *turning to me* “Well why didn’t you say so?”

Me: “I did. You were being a moron!”

Customer: *turning back to manager* “You let your employees curse at customers like that! I want him fired right now!”



Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Daily Funny - 17th May 2010

Taking It Down To The Wire

Call Center | USA

Customer: “My computer says I didn’t pay my internet bill and it won’t let me do anything. I just paid my bill!”

Me: “Well, lets take a look and see what is happening with this.”

Customer: “I make my living off the internet! Hurry up!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid my records show that you don’t have internet as one of your services through this company.”

Customer: “I pay a lot of money every month for this d*** service! You need to fix this and fix this now! I have been a customer of yours for years!”

Me: “Can you please read me the message that is appearing on your computer monitor?”

(Customer reads me message.)

Me: “It appears that you indeed do not have internet service through us because the message you just read included someone else’s wireless account number. Ma’am, you are using someone else’s internet service.”

Customer: “Why did you shut me off then?”

Me: “We didn’t shut you off. We shut off someone else’s account for a delinquent balance and that was the account that you were stealing internet from.”

Customer: “Well, just turn it back on then. I need my internet.”

Me: “I can turn it back on in one of two ways. One: you pay for your own internet. Two: you pay for your neighbors internet to be turned back on so you can continue using something you aren’t supposed to be.”

Customer: *hangs up*



Friday, May 14, 2010

The Daily Funny - 14th May 2010

Tech Support

I was working for a computer company about 4 years ago, when I got a call from a woman with a printer problem.

Woman: My printer won't print anything.
Me: (After verifying that it was turned on and plugged in correctly) Let's try to print something.
Woman: O.K. I'll try to print, but I've been doing this for an hour.
Me: What are you printing from?
Woman: Windows Write. SEE! It's doing it again.
Me: What's it doing?
Woman: It won't print. It just cancels the job.
Me: O.K. Click print again, and tell me exactly what you see on the screen.
Woman: It says 'now printing page 1' and the only thing I can do is hit 'cancel'!
Me: O.K. Hold on... What does it say at the top of the window?
Woman: 'File', 'Edit'... OOOH!!!! IT'S PRINTING!!! What did we do??
Me: We didn't hit the 'CANCEL' button this time!!

Needless to say, she was QUITE embarassed!

Thanks to: Dan DeLuca


From July 1998

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Daily Funny - 13th May 2010 (5)

You don't know Jack

4th Level manager calls in from New York City on Christmas to the help desk in Poughkeepsie to report that his laptop was stolen he had left a 7500$ thinkpad on the seat of his car in NYC with the window open and wants the help desk to call 911...

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From July 1998

The Daily Funny - 13th May 2010 (4)

A quick one...

As a PC support person for a chain of retail stores I used to get a lot of strange calls from store managers about their PC problems. The following one really takes the cake.

me: Helpdesk.
mgr: Hi Rob, how are you?
me: Not bad (recognising voice) How's it going?
mgr: Pretty good, pretty good. Weather nice up there?
me: Yeah, quite nice. What can I help you with?
mgr: Oh right. Look, our PC's screen is on fire.
me: WHAT?
mgr: There's 3ft flames coming out of the top of the screen. What should I do?

I realised he wasn't kidding when I heard one of his staff being hysterical with a fire extinguisher in the background. All credit to the guy for remaining calm in the face of adversity, though.

Thanks to: Rob


From August 1998

The Daily Funny - 13th May 2010 (3)

Where's my email site?

Customer calls in. "I can't get my email, where is it, how do i get it?"
Me:"Well sir, how are you trying to get your mail?"
Customer: " Ok, I'm at my browser thing (IE3) and I click on 'File', then 'Open', then I type in my email address, and it says it cannot find it....................."
Me: "Ok sir, do you see a button called 'Mail', click on that, then click on 'Read Mail'..........What do you see?"
Customer: "...............What's this, I've never seen this screen before.........Oh............Wait.........There's some messages for me in here, how did they get in here?"
(Like a lot of you, my desk has large dents in the edge from repeated head beating.........)

Thanks to: Tim Cooper


From August 1998

The Daily Funny - 13th May 2010 (2)

A hex on the printer

Shortly after installing an application I had written for a customer, the customer's support manager (a former plant engineer with IT aspirations) called me to say that the printer was printing garbage on the shipping documents. Unable to diagnose the problem over the phone, I told him I would be there (an hour's drive away) at 6:30 the next morning to look at it myself.

The moment I got there I realized that the last person to turn on the printer had been holding down the line feed button at the same time; the printer was in hex dump mode. I explained to the aspiring programmer that we could either teach the warehouse operators to read ASCII hex or we could simply turn the printer off and back on.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From August 1998

The Daily Funny - 13th May 2010

Dead Mouse

I was working HelpDesk for a Utility Company, and I recieved a call from a woman in one of our outlying offices.

Her: Our computer has a dead mouse. Do I call you?

Me: Yes, I'll be happy to help. What program are you using?

Her: We're using WordPerfect - why?

Me: That could be important...have you rebooted since the mouse died?

Her: Yes...several times, that mouse must have died weeks ago.

Me: Is the mouse connected tightly to the back of the computer?

Her: Yes, it's stuck pretty good.

Me: You might need a new mouse...or it might just need a cleaning. Could you turn the mouse over, do you see the little black ball underneath it?

Her: What?!?

Me: Is something wrong?

Her: Turn it over? Look at it's WHAT? I am NOT touching that thing!!!

Me: Why not?

Her: Because it's a DEAD MOUSE, that's why!!!

Me: Ummm...huh?


It turns out that a real live mouse had tried to climb inside the PC through a loose panel, gotten stuck and died...

Thanks to: Walt Smith


From August 1998

The Daily Funny - 12th May 2010

Is there a linguist in the house?

I'm still in the far east doing tech support, getting calls at odd hours. I'm beginning to get calls from people who's english is slightly - well, not great... It feels like you're in the middle of some giant pratical joke!

User calls up first thing in the morning:- Hello, my pc is not right
Me (thinking : Oh no, not another one) : Ok sir, what seems to be the trouble
User - It is not working, it is not right
Me - Okey dokey, what operating system are you using?
User - What is operating system
Me (not liking this game any more - blow this, lets just wave the magic wand, and REBOOT!) - Ok sir, could you reboot your machine please
User - How do I do that?
Me - If you press the on / off switch on the front of your machine, it should restart
User - What is the on off switch
Me - Do you have any circles on the front of your box sir?
User - Yes, three
Me - Okey, could you press the one in the middle?
User - Yes, it goes to the left
Me (okey dokey, we've found the contrast control!) - If you could press the one on the right
User - Screen go dark (YYYYYYEEESSSS!!!)
Me - Ok, If you could push that button again, everything should be ok
User - Ah, machine ok now goodbye

I can't wait to get back to England - other techies may find this purial, but you don't know how useful English speaking sysadmins are til you suddenly find about five that don't...

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From August 1998

The Daily Funny - 11th May 2010

Go Flush

Pet Store | Connecticut, USA

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I need some more goldfish. I keep losing them.”

Me: “You lose them? How do you lose your goldfish?”

Customer: “They keep escaping when I clean the tank.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand. How do they escape?”

Customer: “Well, when I clean the tank I put ‘em in the toilet. When I come back, one of them’s always swum down the hole!”

Me: “I’m going to need to go over a few things with you before I sell you the fish.”



Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010 (6)


I work for a ..respected computer manufacturer. A co-worker of mine had a customer call for tech assistance with some software. He told the customer that he need to press Control-A to perform a certain function. The customer responded that it wasn't working. This went on for about 25 minutes, The tech restating that he needed to press and hold the Control-A.

He then realized the problem. The caller was Canadian, and he WAS holding Control, eh.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From September 1998

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010 (5)

Pesky Power Surges

I just heard this from the tech next to me:

"I'm sorry sir, but I haven't heard of a power surge adding an icon to someone's desktop."

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From September 1998

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010 (4)

CEO ??!!

While working for an International Chemical Company we were called by a CEO..

'Why has the company E-mail system been down for a two weeks??' (It was based on a big central server)

Gasps of disbelief - down for 10 Seconds and 600 users scream. We sent someone to investigate....

and discovered that the power lead had falled out of his PC!

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From October 1998

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010 (3)

Double Click??

I'm a secretary at a local ISP, and occasionally take a tech call or two myself. This was overheard in the office.....

Head Tech: "Ma'am, I'm sorry but I just can not help you until you learn how to double click."

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From October 1998

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010 (2)

Thanks for the Help (NOT!)

This happened to me way back when an XT was top of the line.

My uncle had purchased an lovely XT with CGA monitor and no hard drive, and the damn thing did not work from day one. After running for more than 30 minutes, it would crash. We would take it in, leave it for a day or two, then pick it up, with their assurances that it was working, only to have it crash again. This went on for several weeks. We figured that they weren't really doing anything but leaving the system on their shelf, but the kicker came when we brought it inone Tuesday evening and were told that we could pick it up the next evening. We dutifully returned the next evening, and asked the tech if they had solved the problem. Very solemnly, he replied that they could not duplicate the issue, even after 72 hours of running continuously! Needless to say, we were impressed that he was able to compress 72 hours of running time into 24! When we pointed this out, he turned red, and begin to stammer and stutter. We asked for the system back and took it to another location, where they promptly identified the problem as a cracked motherboard and replaced it immediately.

Thanks to: Phoenix


From October 1998

The Daily Funny - 10th May 2010


About seven or eight years ago I worked in an area that was next to one of the big server rooms where the big mainframes that tracked parts on the manufacturing line did their thing. Come about January, it abruptly got very cold in our area--to the point where several people were walking around with their coats on all day. Repeated calls to facilities maintainance did no good whatsoever.

We finally found the source of the problem by accident. Turns out the thermostat that controlled our area was in the server room (?)---and they had recently relocated one of the mainframes directly in front of it. So the thermostat thought it was about 150 degrees in our room all the time.....

Thanks to: Maddy


From October 1998

The Daily Funny - 9th May 2010

Childhood Dream, Meet Retail Nightmare

Fabric Store | Los Angeles, CA

(We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the *** fashion school and need them for a class project.”

Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

Me: “… I work here.”

Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*



The Daily Funny - 8th May 2010

Paint Strokes Of Genius

Pawn Shop | Virginia, USA

(We have a small version of the Mona Lisa for sale.)

Customer: “How much is that?”

Me: “15 dollars.”

Customer: “Is it the original?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Oh. I’m trying to get my hands on the original.”



Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Daily Funny - 7th May 2010 (5)

No Title

It's always good fun listening to a customer who has already diagnosed their own problem, and has /no/ desire to discuss anything with you. Especially when you finally get to the truth of the matter:

Cust: Your Internet's broken.
Tech Sup: Ah, right, broken in what way? You can't connect?
Cust: Of course I can't, it's not working, and you just need to get your servers working again, since I /know/ it's your end causing the problem.
Tech Sup: (slightly baffled) Oh, okay. What's the actual error message you're seeing?
Cust: Oh, something about a dial tone, just fix it!
Tech Sup: Dial tone? Uh huh.. So, if you plug a phone into that socket, does /it/ get a dial tone?
Cust: I can't.
Tech Sup: Sorry, you can't what, exactly?
Cust: Plug a phone in.
Tech Sup: Why not?
Cust: Well, it went BANG, and sparks came out of it, and now it's all fused to the wall....

To this day we are baffled as to what this person thought our servers could possibly have done that would make his modem cable fuse to the wall...

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From November 1998

The Daily Funny - 7th May 2010 (4)

Trust No One!

This is a long one

It was about 10 minutes after closing time and I was getting ready to leave the computer store in which I had been working as a part-time computer saleswoman/tech support since November 15 (it was now December 20, 1997). The things you do to get more money to buy useless Christmas presents!

The phone rang. I should have just kept walking out of the store but I answered.

ME) Hello this is (my name) speaking, the store is currently closed but if you want to leave a message..

CU) I don't *@#%^ care that the store is closed. I bought this *@#%^!*$# printer from you guys and it doesn't work and I need to print a *@#%^!*$# important document tonight!

(Definitely in a bad mood, so I will cut the *@#%^!*$# from the conversation)

ME) What is wrong with your printer?

CU) It doesn't print! That is what is wrong with it!

ME) Are all cables plugged in?

CU) Yes, YES!

ME) Is the printer's power on?

CU) Of course it is on!

ME) I am to assume that you followed all the instructions in the manual, right?

CU) Manual? I am not an idiot. I don't need to read a manual to install a printer. Anyway, why am I talking to you? I want to talk to a tech support guy.

ME) I am the tech support sir!

CU) No you are not!

ME) Yes I am!

CU) You are a woman!

ME) Yes, that too.

CU) I want to talk to somebody who knows about computers.

ME) I know about computers! ( I have been working with and on computers for a long time know, not to mention that during the week I am a software engineer ).

CU) Get off the phone and let me talk to a man!

I should have hung up.

ME) Sir, the store is closed and I am the only tech support person here.

CU) You are a woman!

The conversation was going nowhere and my shoes where hurting, I wanted to go home. I turned around and saw Brian (name changed for privacy). Our cleaning person!

ME) Hold on sir! I thing I can get a man on the phone.

I called Brian and convinced him to help me with this bigot.

BRIAN) Hello sir, my name is Brian, what can I do for you

Note that at this point the bigot is no longer swearing.

CU) My printer doesn't work Brian.

ME) Ask him if he has installed the drivers that came with the printer

BRIAN) Have you installed the drivers that came with the printer?

CU) No drivers came with the printer.

BRIAN) No drivers came with the printer.

ME) Hmm.


ME) Ask what model of printer he has.

BRIAN) What is you printer's model sir?

CU) I don't know. And I don't care what the model is, I want to make this thing work! (Frustrated)

BRIAN) He doesn't know, he wants to make his printer work.

ME) Ask him his name and the name of the salesperson that helped him in choosing the printer.

BRIAN) Sir what is your name?

CU) Bob Smith (name changed for privacy)

BRIAN) Bob Smith

ME) Ok. (As I typed his name in our record database to check his most recent purchase)

BRIAN) Sir, do you remember the name of the salesperson who helped you with your purchase?

CU) I didn't have a salesperson help me. I knew what I wanted and I paid for it at the customer's desk. I don't trust salesperson!

BRIAN) Nobody helped him. He got the printer by himself.

ME) Great!

BRIAN) Grea..!

ME) Brian, tell him that there is nothing he can do tonight. (As I looked at the database)

BRIAN) Sir, there is nothing you can do tonight. May I suggest for you to come tomorrow?!

CU) Why?


ME) Because what he purchased is not a printer... It is a fax machine. And to be used by a phone. Not a computer.

BRIAN) Sir.....

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From November 1998

The Daily Funny - 7th May 2010 (3)

Magic Email?

This happened several years ago while I was working as a graphic production artist and de facto help desk/tech at a small graphic design firm in Greenwich Village. The owner of the company ("Bill") is a complete technology idiot. This is exemplified by this example.

He was going on a trip to China to pick up his newly adopted son and wanted to take his PowerBook with him so that he could stay in touch with us in the office. So I diligently investigated the telephone and electrical specifications of the area he'd be staying in, purchased the appropriate adapters, set up a simple AppleScript which would switch some software settings for him while he was out there (all he'd have to do is double-click the script and it would take care of the rest), and wrote him extremely simple instructions on how to plug things in. (This is a guy who would regularly print a document ten or eleven times before calling me for help, at which point I'd discover he had again disconnected his ethernet cable...) I walked him through the whole process, twice, to make sure he had it. Reasonably convinced he was set, off he went.

It should be pointed out that at the time our office was running on a QuickMail system, and I had our mail server configured to accept a remote access dialup for just such a contingency. And for those who don't know about QuickMail (be thankful), it's a proprietary system which is EXTREMELY sensitive about its connectivity and gets very cranky if it can't find a server.

A couple of weeks later he returned, mildly disgruntled, and angrily curious as to why we (the office) didn't return any of his emails. I immediately checked the server log but couldn't find any emails from Bill, nor could I find any record of his PowerBook dialing into our system.

After a little Q&A I discovered what had happened. Bill got on board the plane on the way to China -- with his PowerBook. Once he was in flight he turned it on (getting two error messages, one about network connectivity being lost and the other about not being able to find the QuickMail server, which he simply dismissed without a second -- or first -- thought), launched QuickMail (again receiving an error message, which he dismissed), composed some new messages, attempted to send them (again receiving an error message, which he dismissed), closed QuickMail (AGAIN receiving an error message, which he dismissed), and shut down his PowerBook.

Not enough?

When he got to China he never bothered to hook up the PowerBook, making all of my preparatory work useless. Though he did (again) on the plane ride home try to send us more email...

Thanks to: Steve "Mac Guy" G.


From November 1998

The Daily Funny - 7th May 2010 (2)

Yell and Scream, see results!

It's ME! The guy with the tales from down south...this one comes from SOUTH DAKOTA...A real nice guy called goes as follows:

User: I cancelled my account and I want on the internet RIGHT NOW!
Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but we are just technical support, we cannot activate accounts from our end. You'll have to call Customer Service in the morning.
User: I can't call them in the morning, you do it!
Me: Sir, I can't! We do have have that access!

** Meanwhile, something clicks in my head....this guy TOLD me he CANCELLED his account! Duh, no wonder he can't get logged in...This guy isn't overly bright, or too damn stubborn to listen...

Me: *groan* Ok, sir, I cannot do will have to call Customer Service...
User: I already told you, I can't call them in the morning...
Me: Sir, may I ask why?
User: I have no phone...

** Where the hell is he calling from then? Needlesss to say, he hung up...good riddence...


Me: Tech Support, (Insert Name) speaking, can I have your login userid please?
User: and that last technician that I was talking to last night promised that he'd have the owner call me personally and he never did...what's his name? I want him fired!!
Me: Well, sir, that last technician that you were speaking to last night was me...and I NEVER promised you that...(instant BURN, you think he'd give up by now...)
User: @!@#$%^%*&&*&(*&^%$$#^%^*& (Plus other things!)

** So, he yells and screams, I speak with a supervisor and I get the go ahead to transfer him to a supervisor who has to PAGE the owner of the ISP and have her activate the account right then and like 10:00pm HER TIME! The next day, I get called into the office and told that this user had received ONE MONTH FREE for ***HIS*** troubles!!!!!

How's that for justice? You do a lot of yelling, tell me you cancelled the account, tell me what you think of me in 'nice' terms, scream at the supervisors, get personally put through to the owner of the ISP and receive one month free for your troubles?!?? Wish I could do that...

I never id get in trouble for that...but if for any reason I happen to be linked to my stories, I MIGHT...=) Let's hope not...we all know the users never visit here!!!

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From December 1998

The Daily Funny - 7th May 2010

They're welcome to you.

I work as part of an email problem solving team for an ISP. Our customers send us emails detailing their problems, and
we answer them. At least, thats the idea.

This conversation took place over the course of a number of days, with emails going back and forth. These are EXACT
quotes of the ENTIRE emails sent and received, minus the header information and the 'thank you for mailing's.

Mr X
"Sort it out. Its not working."

"Please detail the problem you are having, with any relevant error messages; and we should be able to assist you straight away."

Mr X
"Its in my computer."

"Are you getting an error message? We need to know what the problem is before we can help you with it."

Mr X
"There is an error message. I click OK."

"What is the error message? We cannot help you if you are not able to tell us what the message says. If you can give
us some more information, we will be more than happy to assist you with this problem."

Mr X
"You guys are useless. I'm changing Service Providers."

Thanks to: Rob


From December 1998

The Daily Funny - 6th May 2010

Coffee is the fuel!

I was network manager at large (and prestigious) scientific establishment when I got what is probably my funniest call.

The background was that one group were experiencing ‘wobble’ on their monitors, due to a bandly installed 3-phase supply nearby. While waiting for the electricians to come back and fix the fault, we provided them with some surge/RF protected power strips which appeared to reduce the effect.

Me: Hello, ( ---- ) group; how can I help?

User: This is Professor Somebody. Look, one of your people has installed a coffee-pot on my computer and I want it removed!

Me: (bemused) Did you say ‘coffee-pot’?

Prof: Yes, and it’s interrupting my work. I want it uninstalled!

Me: (very bemused) Is this a screen-saver or something?

Prof: What!? No, it’s a ‘COFFEE’ ‘POT’! A POT you make COFFEE in, and my computer won’t boot unless the damn thing’s plugged in!

Me: (astoundingly bemused) Um... (pause) Um... (pause) I’ll be right up, okay?

Suprisingly the user was quite right, his computer would absolutely not boot unless the coffee-pot was plugged in and turned on. Of course it was nothing we had done. Apparently this professor had noticed the shiny new power-strips of the other group, found out that they ‘reduce screen wobble’ and had promptly ordered the biggest and most expensive model from the same manufacturer for no reason other than greed. This particular model had one bright red ‘master’ socket and four white ‘slave’ sockets; when whatever was plugged into the master was switched on, all the slaves were switched on, and vice versa. Of course the big red socket was just perfect for this professor to plug his personal little coffee-maker into, hence the only way for his computer to receive power was to make lots of coffee (I work in a similar manner).

One quick swap of the mains leads and the problem is solved. Not only was the professor not embarrassed by the incident, he was overjoyed to have a ‘computer operated coffee-pot’ (ie. he now has to turn the computer on to make coffee) and took every opportunity to show it to everyone who visited!

Oxygen is just wasted on some people!

Thanks to: Syn O'Nym


From December 1998

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Daily Depressing - 5th May 2010

Wrong Number?

The ISP I work for was revamping and changing some of the phone lines. The phone company we had been working with wasn't very reliable so we were slowly getting rid of those numbers and adding new numbers using a different phone company. We knew this would cause problems with the customers so we made certain that 2 months before the changeover, emails were sent to all the customers letting them know of the changes to come. Then when we got the new phone numbers, we emailed again letting everyone know the new numbers. As it grew closer to the change over, another set of emails went out once more giving the new numbers and the date of the change. Finally, the day before the change, one more go around with emails to every customer.

The first week of the new phone numbers was awful. We had over 80 calls an hour and this is a small ISP! No-one read their email.

I answer the voice mail for the company at night so when they close, it's all up to me. I remember one customer read our email, which in itself was amazing, but for some obscure reason told me "Yeah, I read it, but I didn't think it applied to me" Now why in the world would he think that?

I had another customer leave a message who was furious. "I've been calling for 3 days and the line is just busy all the time. What's wrong with YOU PEOPLE"? You have no idea how much I dislike those two words. I phone him back and asked him what number he had been dialing and sure enough, it was the old number. I told him that the number had been changed and before I could tell him what the new number was, he started arguing with me.. "No, that's impossible...the number did not change"

I was a little shocked and unsure of what to say. "Well, I'm sorry sir, but yes the phone number has been changed and here it is." So I gave him the new number. Then I told him I would walk him through putting that number into his dial up networking, so I began the process...Click on My Computer, Dial Up Networking, etc. Finally I get to the part where he clicks on properties and can type in the new number. After I do that I ask him to go ahead and try to connect using the new number. That's when he tells me that he did not follow my directions because he knows there is no new number and he wants to know why the number he is dialing will not work. I'm flabbergasted. I have no idea why this person will not accept the fact that the number was changed. Finally I'm just about to give up and I ask him why he won't even try the new number. His reply: "I didn't give you permission to change my phone number so I know it can't be that."
Oh great!!! Now not only is he being ridiculous but it turns out that the problem really wasn't even that he was using our old number...He was dialing his own phone number and wouldn't believe that there was a new number because he didn't authorize anyone to change his home phone number.

It's calls like this that make me want to set my hair on fire and run naked through the streets. (grin)

Thanks to: Mary Maurer


From December 1998

The Daily Funny - 5th May 2010 (2) ;)

No Title

I work for a Software development Company. Our programs are database programs that keep and manage data, most of the users of the system are HIGHLY dependent upon the data that the system contains. Our users are typically entry-level and not always computer literate.

Me: Tech Service how can I help you:

Customer: They told me at the home office that you would help me get my program running on my new computer.

Me: Sure, Do you have the old computer running.

Customer: No I don't have the old computer, I sold it two weeks ago.

Me: Did you do a backup of the program before you sold it?

Customer: No but I did take it to the computer store and had their technician erase everything on the computer before I sold it.

Me: Why did you do that?

Customer: I did'nt want the person who bought my computer to see my customers.

Me: How can I restore your program if you did'nt do any backups of the data?

Customer: Can't you just send me a new program?

Me: Sure I can send you a new program but all of your data is gone, it will be a blank program.

Customer: Are you sure? Maybe I could talk to another technician, may be he can retrieve my data!

Me: Sure thing let me give you his number, maybe he can fix it, have a nice day.

And I did give him to another tech, I gave him to the Marketing Manager that trained him on the program.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter


From January 1999 (last couple were actually from February 1999, page was labelled incorrectly)

The Daily Funny - 5th May 2010 (2) ;)

Balls Away !

Picking up the phone, I hear a secretary scream :

she : (my name) ! The ball has fallen out of my mouse !

She got another mouse.

Thanks to: FRaNKy


From January 1999

The Daily Funny - 5th May 2010 ;)

A Father’s Love Is Very Console-ing

Video Game Store | Scotland, UK

Customer: “Excuse me, could you give me some advice please?”

Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was looking to buy a Nintendo 360 for my son.”

Customer’s Son: “Dad! It’s an Xbox360!”

Customer, to me: “This is how much help I need. Would you please?”



Monday, May 3, 2010

The Daily Funny - 4th May 2010 (2)

Tale of the Tape

I was working at a Pro Audio shop a few years back here in Toronto, when I received a distress call from a doctor who
had purchased a cassette deck from us and was having trouble
getting his cassette into the machine.

The conversation went something like this:

ME: "First, open the cassette door. There's a button
just to the left of the window. Press it."

DOCTOR: "OK, the door opened".

ME: "Good. Now slide the cassette into the door, with the end with the tape exposed going first".

DOCTOR: "It doesn't fit".

ME: "Is there a tape in there already?"


ME: "Are you inserting the end with the tape first?".

DOCTOR: "What do you mean 'tape'?"

ME: "Look at the cassette. At one end you can see
the audio tape exposed."

DOCTOR: "I don't see it."

ME: "Describe the tape."

DOCTOR: "Well, it's rectangular, about the size of a deck of cards".

ME: "OK. Are there two holes on it?" (thinking it might be an 8-track tape) .


ME: "Where did you get the tape?"

DOCTOR "I just bought it at (record store withheld)".

ME: "Sir, you have to REMOVE IT FROM THE CASE!!!"

Thanks to: RNoel


From January 1999

The Daily Funny - 4th May 2010

I work in the entertainment department of a huge store. I was restocking CD-Rs when a middle-aged woman came up to me.

  • Her: "Excuse me, but what is in those colorful boxes? I'm looking for toys as a present for my nephew, and I just know he'd like a colorful box like that."
  • Me: "Well, the toy department is upstairs, b--"
  • Her: "...and in case they're jack-in-the-boxes, could I get one custom made, because I bet you don't have the color combination I'd like anyway."
  • Me: "They're...not jack-in-the-boxes, ma'am. They are CDs."
  • Her: "Oh! Kind of a big box for a CD. Does it come with lots of leaflets, or is it just air? I hate that way of--"
  • Me: "No, no, no, you see, there's ten CDs in one box."
  • Her: "Ten?! Oh my goodness, that's a lot of CDs. What kind CDs are they?"
  • Me: "Well, we have CD-Rs in these, and CD-RWs over here. These ones are scratchproof, so they cost a little more--"
  • Her: "Oh, I don't know about these modern things so much. Have you got any jazz?"
  • Me: "Excuse me?"
  • Her: "See, an old person like myself, I haven't even heard of scratchproof music before. I like jazz."

I tried to hold my poker face for every cent of my hourly wage.

  • Me: "No, these CDs are empty. We have jazz over th--"
  • Her: "Yes, I was over there, and there was nothing new. I already have them all at home. But do you have any jazz in these bulk boxes?"
  • Me: "No, ma'am, I'm afraid we're all sold out of the jazz ones."
  • Her: "Well... this box is $8.99, and at the jazz section I'd pay more for only one CD!"
  • Me: "That's true, but these are empty, as I--"
  • Her: "This is a pretty good deal, ten CDs for less than a tenner!"
  • Me: "Undoubtedly, but--"
  • Her: "I'll take this!"
  • Me: "Ma'am, the CDs are empty. You won't hear anything."
  • Her: "Oh?"
  • Me: "I buy these myself all the time, and there's nothing on them."
  • Her: "Maybe your volume wasn't loud enough. Or you had unplugged your speakers?"

When had she become tech support to me?

  • Her: "I'll buy these. This is very cheap. You are a good salesperson!"
  • Me: "Thank you, ma'am, but--"
  • Her: "I'll just have to see if my nephew listens to scratchproof."

I took a long, long break after that one.



The Daily Funny - 3rd May 2010

Not About To Start A Revolution

Retail | Barrie, ON, Canada

(A young female customer is paying for a work order. Her friends are nearby.)

Me: “The tech also recommends a tire rotation.”

Customer: “Oh okay…is that something I could get a friend to do?”

Me: “If they’ve got a jack and the lug nut key, sure.”

(Her friends come over.)

Customer: *to another young female friend* “I have to rotate my tires.”

Customer’s friend: “I thought they did that when you drive?”